Ask a Bitch #8
Dating advice from a real bitch
So my ex-boyfriend was really weird. He had this problem with sleepwalking. Sleepwalking is strange to me, because people are never actually doing anything particularly exciting or sexy when it’s happening. He would do things like end up at the kitchen table eating Captain Crunch at 5 am, or just make weird disjointed statements about his laundry. At least try to initiate sex or burn the house down. Nothing thrilling happens. Even when he was wide awake in broad daylight he would do dumb things like dilute his orange juice with water, put pictures on his walls with thumb tacks like he was 12, and cheat on me. Totally annoying.
At the tail end of our three years together, we got into a huge fight one night and both went to sleep angry (I hate that). Around 4 am, as-per-usual, he wakes up for one his sleepwalk spells to wander the house and talk about linens. This time though, he walked squarely over to his closet, opened the door, pulled out his dick and started peeing in his bin of dirty laundry.
Part of me wanted to yell out to him to stop. Then this realization of how much I actually grown to dislike this person just washed over me.Too tired to laugh, I just pulled the covers over my head and went back to sleep.
I broke up with him before that week was up, and I never told him about what happened that night. I always will remember him walking around for god knows how long in pissy gear, not knowing what I (and now all of you) know.
Anyways, I’ll admit it was weird watching him piss on his belongings like that, but in some ways, it was like like silent retribution for him shitting on 3 years of my actual life.
In other news…
Q: Hey Bitch, I’ve recently put on some weight. I now have a FUPA (fat upper pussy area). I’m insecure about sex now, since my penis looks smaller. How do I deal with that?
A: Hey King FUPA/ Hanging With Mr. FUPA/ FUPA Loompa I can’t totally relate, because I eat maybe a pint of ice cream a day and never gain weight, but I’ll do my best. I mean I’ll eat anything. Anything. Think, nachos made with Doritos. Think “can I get a side of ranch dressing for this?” for everything ever made, ever. Think mashed potatoes on top of pizza (Does anyone know where I can find this for real though? Please email ASKABITCH@GAYLETTER.COM if so). I will eat anything. ANYTHING. Anyways, it’s gross or grandiose depending on how you look at it, but I never gain a pound.
So, my suggestion is you follow my secret diet, STRESS. Let me ask you: Do you have a job? Do you have a boyfriend? Do you have a dog? Do you have my mother?
If you answered “no” to at least two of those questions, you’re doing it wrong. Look at it this way, there’s good stress and bad stress in life. Stressing over a crush you’re going to see tonight, or an important deadline you have tomorrow, will actually motivate you. Stressing over what your vienna sausage (sorry, had to) looks like compared to your FUPA, if you aren’t willing to do anything to rectify the situation, will debilitate.
Find healthy stress, and stop worrying about your baby corn (sorry). Be the change you want to see in the dicks in the world! And if you don’t end up losing the FUPA, then who cares? Life is for living, right? You could go through life not having a Jim Beam and vanilla ice cream float at least 46,000 times, but I wouldn’t call that living…
Q: Hey bitch! So I met a really hot guy on Instagram. We exchanged numbers and recently we’ve been texting…Well we have a date tmrw and I thought I should google him for fun. I found not one, but two separate mugshots. One was for something like driving on a suspended license, the other was for grand theft auto of the 3rd degree (!!!). Should I cancel my date with him? I was really looking forward to it.
A: Hey Phaedra Parks, Jesus, be some logic. Remember when I told you about “messy love”? This is a textbook example of that. I would tell you to cancel the date, but that would be too much like right for you. Just go on the date, because you know you want to. Messy bitch. What kind of car did he steal? Is he planning to pick you up in a car? Please don’t let him pick you up in any car, on a suspended license—even if it’s for a drive through food moment. You know if you get pulled over you will technically be an accessory to what could be considered a felony offense, right? Still interested huh? Messy bitch.
I’ll be honest, you sound crazier than a box of Nerds trying to fuck a bag of Sour Patch Kids. Meaning: you guys probably belong together, and should probably make matching “I’m With Fucking Insane” tees, get gay married, and strap a bunch of stolen Minute Maid cans to the bumper when you drive away from your insane shotgun wedding at the impound lot. Also, people are dating off of Instagram now?
Freak Of The Week
This week’s freak is Amanda Bynes. I’m not a lesbian or anything, but wouldn’t she be the best date ever? Never a dull moment with this one. We have a lot in common: we both go to the gym, we both sex tweet Drake, and we both enjoy looking at selfies of Amanda Bynes.
(Hey Phaedra (see above question) Amanda Bynes has a suspended license and long history of vehicular fuckery as well. We should all double date; we can all catch the bus together.)