Thursday 01.30.14

A deranged single gay guy

Confessions about my insecure single gay life


Every time I have a planned date with a guy I already internalize that we’re going to be a couple. I asked this guy out on a date and he said yes. By all means, that’s a success story in my book — I wasn’t rejected and he’s someone I like. A few days after the confirmation of the date (just a yes, no set date for the date), I go on Manhunt, because it’s a forced habit of mine that I refuse to give-up, plus it’s also fun to see who among your gay acquaintances posted nude photos of themselves. I see the guy I asked out on a date on Manhunt, I become irrationally devastated. I have no right to feel this way, but I’m an emotional asylum, so bare with me. I basically went through the stages of death: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, but minus the bargaining and acceptance.


I did something I swore to myself I’d never do again, I catfished. I created a profile using the photos of some random Asian celebrity, because it’s so easy to do and the only people who know it’s fake are other Asian guys with fake profiles. I messaged him and he replied within a few minutes, I should also note that it took him a couple days to reply to my non-catfish profile from another website. I asked him if he had any dates lined-up, and he said “no.” My inner monologue was “Fuck me! Are you shitting me?! Fuck!,” which was on a constant loop for about five minutes. And just like a complete lunatic, I escalated our conversation into discussing with him the type of sex I like to do and vice versa. I was upset, bitter, angry, and a little horny from the conversation I had with him, the guy I thought I liked. I hated myself so much for doing that, but I was also glad to know how the guy I asked out on a date perceived me. He never intended to go on a date with me and that sucks.



The problem with some people is that they don’t want to say, “I’m just not that into you.” People would rather be nice, polite and cultivate a conversation with you, rather than having you think of them as an asshole. Society has conditioned most people to behave in a manner that won’t offend or upset people, because being nice no matter what the circumstance, is the right thing to do. I think it’s just another form of being an asshole.





Sunday 11.24.13

Out of the gay bar into the world

Your next boyfriend isn't on Grindr or at your local gay bar.


Where is Carmen Sandiego and why has she taken your future boyfriend with her?



In the words of Lilly Allen, It’s hard out here for a bitch. Finding a boyfriend in this day and age is like looking for sobriety in a Lady Gaga performance… actually that’s worse, because I have at least had a boyfriend before, but I’ve never not smelled a whiff of weed coming through my computer screen watching Gaga withering around the floor pretending she went to art school. Sometimes it seems you turn on Grindr and you see the same 20 guys you saw last week (aghh get off my phone BottomBearDad). Well, fret no more for I have found the solution! Eligible gays are out there on all fours looking for you in the daytime with a flashlight. You’ve just been searching in the wrong places!  They are hidden among the straight men. I kid you not, the places you’ve been avoiding due to the plethora of straight men (and their crazy straight girlfriends) are where all the eligible gays are hiding out. Below is our guide to finding a man in all the wrong places.



Canal Bar

You might assume this bar is just for sports fanatics looking for an extensive draft list and a TV. Well, you know what happens when you assume…. there’s an ass and there’s u and me, but neither of us gets it… I have no idea what I just said, but the point is don’t assume! Anyway, this bar has all sorts of frills that are dragging the gays in: free popcorn, board games, trivia, men who love watching other men tackle each other and movie nights in the backyard. Not convinced? This dog friendly joint recently had a Golden Girls marathon (I mean they might as well just rename this place Stiff Dicks and get it over with). So, grab your Bears gear (No silly. The Chicago Bears is a football team…. but do wear a jockstrap, you never know when one of these guys is going to want to touch down on your end zone — Gay puns are kind of my thing) and come out for a good time. You might not meet the man of your dreams, but there are definitely some gays ready blow your whistle (I did it again!)

2/5 stars



Bryant Park

You’re gay and you love ice skating. So, why aren’t you at Bryant Park? Too many kids? Too many wedding proposals on the ice? No room to cruise? Well, get your butt out there. Eligible gays are on the ice channeling their inner Johnny Weir. The man of your dreams is out there with his 10 year old cousin teaching her how to ice skate while you are getting yet another circle jerk started at one of the two gyms you frequent. And who are we kidding? Gay or not, there is group masturbation happening at almost every gym, so if all else fails, you can always go back. The type of guy waiting for you at Bryant Park is closer to boyfriend material. He hangs out in midtown because he works close by ($$$$), he has killer legs and he gives new meaning to busting your ass on the ice. So, quit it with the cold feet and get on the ice.

4/5 stars



Williamsburg Bridge

Knowing you, you don’t spend much time on a bridge, why would you? Bridges are cold and windy and full of Australian tourists and dog walkers. Well, the man of your dreams could be waiting for you there. There’s nothing like a cute guy with tight jeans, a really nice butt and groomed mustache on a bike. This guy has been traversing the Williamsburg Bridge almost everyday. He likes to be active and on his feet, he hates the subway, he wears plaid, he smells of whiskey (in a Jon Hamm kind of way, not a Kiefer Sutherland way) He was meant for you. Why don’t you go for a stroll, you never know who you might meet.

3/5 stars



Penn Station

Wait, I know what you are thinking. But, you are desperate at this point. I don’t think you realize the number of gays moving to this city everyday and they almost always come through Penn Station. Now, there are different types, so beware. You may find a 20 something year old starting a grad program at NYU. He’s date-able, but will of course sacrifice any time with you for studying. There are the actors moving to the city. They are poor though and they might try and move in with you and steal your Metro Card. What you want to find is a nice European man who needs someone to show him around. It’s perfect. He will undoubtedly sleep with you the first night (he’s European), he probably has some money (he’s European) and he has a nice fat uncut piece of meat (he’s European!). So, take another lesson from Legally Blonde: The Muscial. He is gay and European.

3/5 Stars



Yankee Stadium

Don’t look at me like that. I know what I am talking about. Yankee Stadium is where all the gays go during baseball season. They have gotten tired of searching for you and resorted to hanging out with their straight guy friends, and straight guys just love them some baseball. It’s a tragic love story like Cinderella or Rapunzel. A gay man forced by his evil step-friend to watch a baseball game he has no interest in. He slowly eats hot dogs without the bun in hopes of luring in his prince. And so you know just what you are about to get, he wears a jersey that says “pitcher” or “catcher.”  The Yankee Stadium gay is patient (those games are long as sh*t), tolerant (I don’t know how he deals with a stadium full of baseball fanatics) and knows that navy is an underused color for your wardrobe. So, start feigning your interest in baseball now. Once you find him you can both give up the charade and go get drunk at Boiler Room like normal people.

4/5 Stars


Thursday 10.17.13

Ask A Bitch #16

Relationship and dating advice from a real bitch.


Dear Bitch, I have a very BIG issue. I’ve been dating my dear boyfriend for over a year now. I love him dearly. He is the sweetest man I have ever, and probably will ever, date. He would do anything to make me happy. All I want is the same for him. However, somewhere down the road, I’ve lost my sexual desire for him. Our sex life has gone downhill and I don’t know what to do. He gets me off and I have no desire to get him off and I feel like a terrible person. We never fuck each other because he doesn’t like it and I think this may be why the sex has fizzled. How many times can we 69? I don’t know what to do. I feel like I can’t picture my life without him but at the same time, am fantasizing about sex with other men constantly. I feel like I’m leading a fake relationship or something is missing. Please help.


Dear Scissor Sister, I know what you mean, 69’ing can lose its lustre prettttty quickly if it’s a 24/7 affair. Have you tried role playing? One of my friends once dated a dude who always liked to be undressed like some big baby, and acted all infant-y. In technical fetish terminology, “paraphilic infantilism“, but I refer to it as “really fucked”. They only dated like 1 month, but in baby years who knows how long that is…  Anyways, my point is that if you’re already leading a fake relationship, may as well lead a fake sex life as well, no? Or you can at least talk about it…


I wonder now, if you have ever openly discussed this problem with him? It really is amazing how few couples, whether homo or hetero, actually talk about their sex lives with one another. Like everyone’s doing it, but no one wants to acknowledge it. Like how everyone ever born has peed in the shower before yet no one will admit to it. You say the relationship has gone “downhill” therefore I’m led to believe that the fuck times haven’t always been this lackluster, so it’s obvious there’s potential to turn this car around. It’s clear sex alone isn’t doing any magic here, so let’s try other methods.


You know what’s really sexy? Honesty. Like being 100% brutally honest. So, tell me with a straight face that “Blackout” was not the most real Britney Spears album ever. I mean, she was at her most honest, rawest, messiest moment in life. It was 100% her, and it showed, because she even styled herself. Looking like she bought her hair and outfit at the same store, pussy popping without a purpose in her ex husband’s fedora, bedazzled sports bra, and distressed hip hugger jeans outside a grocery store. And fuck what any other gays will tell you, it does not get any realer than the Blackout period. Without any help, this is who she is, slow and messy, and I can appreciate that because it’s the truth. It is free Boost Mobile phone music. It is stray shopping cart on the side of a freeway with weave stuck in the wheel casters music. Pink polyester Rickie’s wig with a fucked up British accent music. It is also some of the best music of her entire career, because it is, at it’s core, raw. I’m getting too excited and off topic here, but I sincerely hope you’re getting my point.


It can be messy as hell most days, but I believe honesty is the best policy, always. You really need to Break The Ice and talk openly and honestly with him, if you have not already done so, and make him aware of how much this situation pains you.


In the end, if he cannot or will not change, you have to consider moving on. Can you imagine if Britney stayed with the human blob Kevin Federline? Remember Chaotic? I know that ending a relationship is very painful but sometimes there is nothing else to do. Otherwise, the danger is that you will become resentful and even come to hate him. That’s just human nature and I am sure you do not want that to happen.


Sup bitch, Recently, I went on the best first date of my life. Yay me! I met a funny, smart, easy-going doctor and she wants me! Well, I got caught up in the moment and forgot that only 3 months ago I discovered that my lying-ass EX-fiance gave me the herp. On my lady garden. I realized, after all my clothes were off, that I had to say something to my new friend before she touched/went down there. So my drunk ass just stops and blurts it out. Bad call. She gets off of me and thanks me for telling her and I start blubbering about the ex.


I know, I know. Did I mention I was drunk? So I composed myself and she rolled over and I proceeded to try to spoon her. She wasn’t having it and she hasn’t spoken to me since she left the next morning. She was the first girl I had to tell in THAT moment. But when is the best time to reveal it? I don’t want it to go down like that again. Le sigh. I feel like I’m screwed (or, more accurately, NOT ever going to get screwed) for life and no one will ever want to touch my lady parts again. Ugh. But I can’t do to someone else what was done to me. I have to reveal it, but this one isn’t exactly in the etiquette books, ya know? Plus, lesbians think that STDs are so uncommon in our demographic that there seems to be an extra element of shock when you tell a lesbian you have an STD. This bitch right here needs some help, bitch. Or am I crazy? Was she just pissed because she couldn’t get any pussy?


Hey Lonely Lesbian, Lord have mercy we have some colorful readers. The road to love truly is a bumpy one (sorry, had to).  So many obstacles, but it’s all in how you maneuver I suppose. To address your predicament, I don’t think there’s a more polite way to announce something like that other than just saying it, clearly and out in the open. A simple “Hold up bitch! Put those hands where my eyes can see! We need to have a talk right quick! Don’t touch my hot pocket or it’ll burn ya!”

In all seriousness, if you hadn’t said anything, that would make you the messiest woman on earth. I can tell that you may be a lot of things, but you aren’t crazy. A crazy woman would’ve kept her lips shut about the situation with her other lips. A crazy woman would’ve not told that DOCTOR the awful truth. So I do commend you on that end. It’s all about honesty.


In all honesty (a real theme today), did you really ever think you had a choice? A DOCTOR. Like, you literally considered for a moment that Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, a grown ass trained medical professional, wasn’t going to be able to retrace her steps and figure out which lying ass bitch gave her that lifelong commitment around her damn ring?? I swear, there is absolutely nothing scarier on this earth than a woman who just realizes she’s been misled. Not sinkholes, not Freddie Krueger’s claws coming out of soapy bathtub water (the reason I exclusively shower), not the motion picture Gravity starring Sandra Bullock, not even that flesh eating drug I keep accidentally reading about for hours on end when I’m alone and bored. Sometimes, when I really think about it, it’s not even about actual dick or the fact that I like how dumb most guys are that attracts me to males… It may very well be the fact that I am actually terrified of ever sleeping next to an angry woman.


Anyways, herpes sounds like a fucking bum out, but so is life most days. Just like life, you’ll have to drudge through it until you eventually bump into someone to share it with! That may be the actual worst advice ever on earth, but I’m going to be honest and let you know that Scandal is about to come on in literally 5 minutes so and I’m trying to save my energy…



Zac Efron in this clip. Really only Zac Efron whenever when he is in various states of undress. This image kind of makes me miss planking.


Also, while looking for that one photo, I fell into a Zac-hole of Tumblrs dedicated to the weirdest shit. Found one completely devoted to photos of him in different flip flops. For your reference (click on the link if you’re a sick fuck): Zac in flip flops


Friday 09.06.13


Relationship and dating advice from a real bitch.


Yahoo answers just not cutting it? Your Mom is not coming through with the right advice? Do you have a burning dating or sex question you desperately need an answer to? Well, just Ask A Bitch. The bitch will answer all your pressing questions. Send them to: Take it away bitch.


Yes, I realize it’s been a real minute since I last updated you all. I’ve been so distracted by the typical Summer fuckery that’s it’s been hard to pin down just one thing to bitch about. And I know it’s not just me. An entire city’s vision gets a little hazy with the endless barrage of BBQ/cigarette/illegal smoke sitting on top of us all for 4 months. Sweaty bodies at endless parties, fogged up eyewear from long humid days that roll into long humid nights. Guys appeared hotter than they were because I think I was looking through a salt water filter for most of it. I don’t think anyone was thinking straight for most of August anyways. This summer I have eaten my weight in Cheez Its (really pushing for a sponsorship), floated in the ocean week after week petrified by a morbid fear of being stung by jellyfish (basically spiteful plastic sandwich bags full of venom), on and off dated a waiter/actor (I know right) that may or may not be a compulsive liar (more on that to come). Each morning I’d lie in bed staring at my ceiling while my entire bed vibrates with the buzz of my insane landlady blasting someone named Daddy Yankee while cleaning her Mazda outside my window. Every morning. In a green Ricky’s wig.


Seasons change, obviously, and as Summer draws to a close I’m looking forward to seeing everyone return to their usual frigid, closed off selves. I think in Summer you get to see so much of people that it’s refreshing to go and hide under the covers for awhile. Fashion Week not at all included, Fall is really my season. No more shirtless zombie bums sitting on my lap on my morning commute, and schools are back in so I am no longer dodging toddler devils loitering every street corner. Also, I get to wear pants again. I enjoy Fall because I can trap unsuspecting boys into thinking I’m hot by covering myself up again. Like a walking and talking fox trap, covered in dead leaves, cigarette butts, and a bunch of bullshit.


Anyways, enough about me. Let’s answer some questions.


Q: Hi Bitch, I’ve got an issue that’s been on my mind for the past couple of weeks. I started casually seeing this guy about two months ago. Like I said, it started very casually from a hookup, but we’ve been spending some time together ever since. I am starting to get closer to him and I think we’ve got a mutual understanding that this can be something a little more than casual as time goes by. He’s attractive, smart, has a great job, and I’m having a good time being around him more and more. There’s only one problem, his best friend.  Let’s call him Andrew. Andrew was there the night that I first met and hooked up with my guy, and even from the very start was really shady to me. He hadn’t really warmed up to me during out first meeting, and it’s gone downhill ever since. I see him giving me side eyes, making rude comments about me under his breath, and I’m pretty sure he’s telling the guy I like how much he doesn’t like me. To make matters more awkward, another friend of theirs told me they once hooked up. I have been nothing but nice and accommodating to this guy. I mean, I added him on Facebook a month ago and he still hasn’t approved me. I am even considering inviting him to an upcoming birthday party at my home, just to even further extend an olive branch.

I want the guy I am seeing’s friends to like me, but this is too much. I don’t want this to affect my new relationship with the guy I am seeing. What should I do? Am I being foolish for not saying anything? Am I being too much of a nice guy and not enough of a bitch? Can you help me out?



A: Hey Birthday Boy, Yes. That was a lot of questions at the end, but yes. Yes to all of them.

It sounds to me like Andrew is in love with the dude you’re seeing. This type of outward aggression is totally symptomatic of his jealousy for whatever connection you’re building with his best friend/love interest. Hater.

He sounds like the type of asshole that insists on having the window seat on an airplane for the view, but sleeps through the entire flight. These are the worst types of bitches. They want to be with someone, but are too chicken shit to own up to their feelings and make a move on the person that’s supposedly important to them. Shit or get out off the pot! Instead they spend their days attached at the hip of their crush like an ornery dog tied to a chain link fence, growling at any person that walks by and desperately pissing on everything in an attempt to mark their territory. Usually people that act this way look like dogs anyways, and are pretty dark inside, but they rarely do any harm. In the end, Andrew’s all bark and no bite, because he doesn’t even sound like a smart psycho. At least if he had friended you on Facebook, he could’ve stalked your every interaction with his best friend like most haters do.

So I’m not sure what you’re worried about here? In this situation, if the guy you’re seeing was ever legitimately into his best friend, he’d probably just be with him. Have you never seen “My Best Friend’s Wedding”? They never win.

Are you more concerned over the fact that this guy just doesn’t like you? I can’t relate. Tons of bitches don’t like me, it’s nothing. I can’t stand when people are like “We don’t get along”. When in fact, it’s like, no you just like me, I don’t give a fuck about you. So, my advice to you is to ignore this fool and focus on your new relationship. I’m messy though, so I’m also going to advise you to invite Andrew to the party you mentioned. Please also make sure to invite 20-30 of YOUR own best Andrews to even out the playing field and let the fun begin.



Q: Hey Bitch, Sometimes when I’m having sex, my vagina makes a noise like I’m passing gas. What causes it, and how can I prevent it? I feel like a weirdo, is this normal?



A: Hi Windy Williams, Whew. Yes, it’s completely normal! I know for a fact, because after consulting with almost every female I know, this is actually a pretty common occurrence. I’m going to make this really quick and to the point, because I know a lot of people are likely reading this on their lunch breaks. That noisy emission you’re referring to occurs when air gets trapped into your hot pocket during rigorous sex. The best way to stop it from happening would be to have your dude slow down a bit. In my opinion, you’ve got nothing to really be embarrassed about in this situation, when he’s the one acting like a fifteen year old pounding you like a jackrabbit.

But seriously, have you really never heard of a “queef”? What middle school did you go to? Anyways, yea, you’ve not got anything to be concerned about in terms of the noisy emissions coming from your undercarriage. What I am concerned with right now is your cluelessness about your own body parts and the functions they serve. Do me a favor and watch this informative video below. Bring a pen and pad (no, not that pad), take all the information in, and call me in the morning.





This week’s freak is Jordan Catalano from My So Called Life. Or Travis from Clueless. Or Dylan from 90210. Or Ted.

I guess the main theme I am getting at here is unmotivated-slacker-stoner-drop-out-assholes that no one should be dating. Which weirdly makes them so much more appealing. Guys like this are like bad fucking smells. It’s like when I was a kid and was really obsessed with the smell of gasoline fumes. Or when my mom would make me wait at the nail salon with her while she’d get her acrylics touched up, I would go around opening every nail polish color bottle to smell the difference (there is no difference). It’s an acquired taste I guess, and the whiffs are not so bad in small amounts, but constant exposure over time will definitely have you fucked up and confused. There’s something about teenage dirtbags.

Wednesday 08.28.13

Your Brain on Drugs

First up, Strawberry Cough, Lemon Skunk, Sunjay Gupta Kush...Marijuana

brain on pot

No point beating around the bush. We were curious, so we asked the experts what happens to your noggin when you’re smoking weed? First up the definitive source for everything, Wikipedia: “The effects of cannabis are caused by chemical compounds in cannabis, including cannabinoids such as tetrahydrocannabinol (THC). Cannabis has both psychological and physiological effects on the human body. Five European countries, Canada, and twenty US states[1] have legalized medical cannabis if prescribed for nausea, pain or the alleviation of surrounding chronic illness.


In large enough doses THC can induce auditory and visual hallucination but it would require massive amounts of cannabis (nearly an ounce of hashish) to induce full blown hallucinatory effects. Acute effects while under the influence can include both euphoria and anxiety.[2][3] Concerns have been raised about the potential for long-term cannabis consumption to increase risk for schizophreniadepersonalization disorder, bipolar disorders, and major depression, however studies are inconclusive [4][5] and the ultimate conclusions on these factors are disputed.[6][7][8][9] The evidence of long-term effects on memory is preliminary and hindered by confounding factors.[10][11] For thousands of years people have believed that cannabis has religious and spiritual effects.”


If all that nerd talk put you to sleep here’s a helpful video that breaks it all down, with visuals to make it even easier…especially if you’re totally baked.







Thursday 07.25.13


Relationship and dating advice from a real bitch.


Yahoo answers just not cutting it? Your Mom is not coming through with the right advice? Do you have a burning dating or sex question you desperately need an answer to? Well, just Ask A Bitch. The bitch will answer all your pressing questions. Send them to: Take it away bitch.


Q: Hi Bitch, I have been on a few dates with this cute 26 year old guy I met recently. He’s cute, charming, and I think things are going well. Recently though, I brought him back to my apartment for the first time after a really great evening out. Things were going so well, I was sure we’d continue to have a great time now that I got him up to my apartment. After a few minutes of being in my apartment however, he began making comments about how he felt my home was “so gay”. He began poking fun at everything from my itunes music library (Kylie, Miley, etc), to my bedspread, to a harmless chalk drawing above my bed of a man in a suit dancing. I guess I was a little taken aback by this, and lost any desire to hook up that evening, though I still did. The weird thing is, he plays a totally submissive role in bed. I’ve been on two dates with him since, but now I’m noticing more and more things that are irking me about him. He makes fun of gays that wear tank tops, refuses to drink any alcohol but beer, and he says he still makes out with girls “occasionally”. Bitch, should I just try to overlook these characteristics in him?  Before I started dwelling on these aspects of his personality, I was really into him! Am I being an overly sensitive drama queen in this situation and over-thinking this? Please help.


A: Hi Doormat, you know what’s “so gay”? When your dick was up his butt. That’s as gay as it gets really. Question: He’s been to your apartment, but have you ever been to his? I ask this because I bet he doesn’t have any mirrors in his. Perhaps if he did, maybe he’d realize how gay he looks regurgitating that nonsense perpetuated by the kind of people that are so uncomfortable with the idea of “gay”, because it is something they clearly don’t understand…And then five minutes later putting a dick in his butt. Jesus, take the wheel.

Listen, you are not being overly sensitive when someone is standing in YOUR apartment, shading your personal possessions, and dragging their thinly-veiled self hate all over your personal space. There is so much trash in this world (both human and object), so the few things you do find in life that are personal treasures, you should never allow someone to make you feel shameful about them. The rent is too damn high, and life is too fucking short to have someone making disparaging comments about things that are of value to you, and then expecting to still get the D afterwards. To be honest I can’t believe you didn’t kick him out after the first comment, but I know how difficult it can be to get clueless homophobes to take a hint. In my opinion, you should’ve just started blasting Miley Cyrus, I find that usually clears a room.



Q: Hi Ask A Bitch, I was a talking to a good friend who said I should reach out to you. So here’s my dilemma. I joined a gay softball league 4 months ago and quickly become close with a team member. However I don’t know if he just sees us as friends or something more. We text every day and have inside jokes. It’s to the point that other people on the team have commented on how we act like we are dating. We never act flirty or kiss, except once when out and drunk and never talked about it. I actually act so awkward around him because I don’t know how to act. When we went away as a team, he called that we would share a twin bed but then we kept inches away from each other. At one point I walked away alone to go watch the fire works for the 4th of July and shortly after he was by my side watching with me. We make plans all the time and I am starting to fall for him. Not sure if it is one sided or not? Am I reading into too many “signs”? He is the heart throb of the team and every hot guy is after him. It kills me to see it and would learn to be ok with if I knew I was just his friend.

So Ask a Bitch, what do you think I should do?


A: Hi Lauren Conrad,

I’ll tell you what, crushes are like an Intervention marathon. They can all at once be the best thing in the world while also being the most absolutely dismal. Crushes can get you out of bed in the morning and make you give a shit about something. Within a five minute time frame, you go from enthralled to wanting to die. It’s like when you wake up and have a massive Bangover (when you experience similar side effects to a hangover, but from sex instead of alcohol), but it doesn’t really matter because you’ve got a smile on your face the whole day. On the other hand, they can often be the quickest eye opener to the fact that someone doesn’t give any shits about you or your feelings. You’ve realized they’re the best person you’ve ever encountered, and now you’re just waiting for them to come to the same understanding about you. It’s like when it’s pouring outside and you’re running to a parked car, and you finally get there, but the person with the keys is still a mile back. I know how it feels when you’ve got one person on your mind, and it seems like everyone else has the exact same person in their sights. It’s like constantly realizing you’re at the end of your rope, and they’re just at the beginning of theirs.


Don’t feel bad about interpreting signs, isn’t that what dating is supposed to be? It’s meant to be confusing most of the time, I’d actually begin to worry when it stops making you think. I’ll tell you what any anger management teacher will tell you though: You can’t control people’s actions, only your reaction to them.  What I’m getting at is that you’re obviously more stressed than happy about the uncertainty of this setup, and you either need to go deeper in this or climb your way out to see that. There’s a strong possibility he’s completely comfortable living in questions. You’re becoming unnerved by this and he’s gliding by. He’s not acting overtly flirty, because he already has you right here, he feels comfortable having you, lying next to him in a nasty twin bed on a baseball trip and no chance of getting to first, second, or third base. Please.


The only thing I can think that would help you out of this hole of uncertainty is a seismic shift in your relationship. If you don’t want to ruin the chances of a long lasting friendship by being too upfront too soon, then my suggestion to you would be to put the scarcity principle into practice. The scarcity principle works much like scarcity in the area of economics. Simply put, humans place a higher value on an object that is scarce, and a lower value on those that are abundant. Get lost, date around, delete his contact info in your phone (if you don’t trust yourself not to text him daily). You don’t need to be an asshole about it, but what you DO need to do is enjoy your remaining 2 months of Summratime. Summer is baseball season, but it’s also making out with every cute guy season. Do not look back at this magical time and only have sad memories of being a Lauren Conrad (the complete opposite of a bad bitch, read: not a Kristin Cavallari) lying in a twin bed with blue balls. BAD BITCH > SAD BITCH.




This week’s freak is Officer Mendez aka Pornstache from Orange Is The New Black aka the best show on Netflix right now. I don’t care what anyone says either, I am feeling a certain kind of way bout this one. There’s something about his type of Crazy that gets me. As the arch villain, he’s the biggest dickhead, harassing and cat calling the inmates, manipulating, and generally just being America’s biggest turd behind Kim Kardashian, so I can’t believe I have not dated him yet. Totally terrified to see what he looks like without the mustache. Though sometimes I am tempted to Google that, but also worried about killing the magic of this week’s obsession.



Friday 07.12.13


Relationship and dating advice from a real bitch.


Yahoo answers just not cutting it? Your Mom is not coming through with the right advice? Do you have a burning dating or sex question you desperately need an answer to? Well, just Ask A Bitch. The bitch will answer all your pressing questions. Send them to: Take it away bitch.


When I am bored on my morning subway commute, often I’ll play “The Train Game” with myself.  It’s a very easy game: In the event that the train derails, or the tunnel somehow caves in, and you’re stuck in this vessel for some unforeseeable future, who would you do?  Or I suppose there doesn’t have to necessarily be some cataclysmic disaster that takes place at all, really. Not all trains are created equal unfortunately, so it’s really un-fun playing it on the A train at rush hour, unless you’re particularly attracted to dregs of the universe. The game is not quite “Would You Rather” (death or some other fate worse than that isn’t really an option as a way out in this game). You have to choose someone, I guess it’s more just about fucking with your own mind.


Anyways, here’s an interesting one to think about:


If your whole train was just random dudes from ABC’s original TGIF line up, who would you do?



They have all had longer relationships than you, unparalleled adoration, and have never had to take the subway a day in their lives. If that doesn’t totally bum you out, then let’s get right to this week’s questions…



Q: Hi Bitch, so I’m black (half Asian). My boyfriend is white, we’ve been dating for 6 months now. He’s from the South and obviously he isn’t racist, since he’s dating me. But he loves to throw around the n word. Like seriously, he thinks it’s funny. Now it’s just getting out of control like “Hi sexy n_____” when I walk in the door. I don’t want to get all PC on him, but we have a trip planned to visit my parents in a month, and honestly he might get hurt doing shit like that around my family. How do I tell him to quit it?


A: Hi INCREDIBLY tolerant person of color, that’s awkward. That’s more awkward than Miley Cyrus “twerking“. That’s more awkward than any Paula Deen conversation on her day off, kicked back and shooting the shit after three white wine spritzers. That’s more awkward than a stadium full of white people getting turnt up in a singalong to “N______ In Paris”. That’s really more awkward than when my Cantonese friend’s grandparents were visiting from Hong Kong, and his Caucasian boyfriend bowed at them, completely unprompted, on their first meeting. Just don’t.


The real issue at hand here is COMMUNICATION. What you need to do is address your concerns early on, or else this is going to boil over into a nasty stew of resentment. Your boyfriend is from the South, so it seems you need to speak to him on his own terms. He’s suffering from a case of what we Southerners like to call “smelling his own pee pee”. Basically, he seems super duper excited to be dating someone of a different race, so much so that he’s wants to try out all this new slang that may have before seemed too taboo to even utter to another person. He needs to calm down actually.


It’s like when I attended my first day of 5th grade. Naturally, after spending an entire summer alone indoors with my best friend, cable TV, I wasn’t at all into the idea of spending all day with anyone there. The only thrill was showing everyone all the new curse words, filthy lyrics, and dirty dances I learned from MTV during our summer hiatus. Anyways, on the playground that afternoon I called some girl that I swear to god was the human incarnation of Angelica Pickles a “whore”. I’d heard the word from some genius Martin Lawrence sketch routine on late night TV. Everyone on the playground immediately scattered like ants — I could innately feel punishment coming on. I was grounded for all of that fall. Older and wiser, I only call someone a whore when I truly believe they are one (most people are). It’s about understanding the gravity that words carry. Like that messy fifth grader on the playground, your boyfriend just hasn’t been taught that yet. He’ll learn when he tries that shit around your parents, but save both of yourselves the trouble and deal with this early on.


More importantly though, your worry shouldn’t be “getting all PC” on him. As much shit as I talk, I really do feel that political correctness does often get a bad rap a lot of the time. The term usually implies that these social considerations are excessive or of a purely “political” nature, which is nonsense in this situation. You’re telling him how his terms of “endearment” are offensive to you, HIS BOYFRIEND. If he can’t understand that, then fuck him. Next.


Q: Hey Bitch, I have a weird kink. I like to dress up as a doctor and nurse a hot guy back to health. Not that the guy has to be sick, they just have to pretend they are. My favorite part is putting a thermometer up their butt and taking their temperature. Question is, how far into meeting a guy should I share this fantasy? It’s really the only thing that gets me off. Like REALLY off. Any thoughts?

XO Dr Doo-Doo


A: Hi Professor Bum, what the fuck do I look like WedMD? You’re asking how soon is too soon to stick a thermometer up someone’s butt? I’d say, anytime after the age of 1 or anytime before they break a 100 degree sweat would be too soon to stick a thermometer up their butt. Isn’t this what medical malpractice is? I feel like this is exactly what medical malpractice is…


Sorry, I am going to have to ask some questions, because this is just beyond… When you nurse the guys back to health, do you feed them soup (I love soup)? Do they just get to lie about all day while you are out saving the world (loafing around is one of my favorite past times)? Do you wear full on scrubs? Do you own a stethoscope? A vacation home? Are you an actual MD? If you answered yes to any of these, we should maybe talk. I have fantasies about dating a doctor. Specifically Dr. Jack Shephard, but that has everything to do with financial security and really nothing do with a thermometer up my butt. Not my thing personally, but you do you.

All jokes aside, you already seem to be on the right track here… Meaning, you definitely know exactly what you want and seem pretty comfortable going after it, and surprisingly that’s a lot more than most people can say about any of their “weird kinks”. Time and again, studies continue to show that sexual fantasies are healthy, and occurring most often in the people showing the fewest sexual problems and least occurrences of sexual dissatisfaction. So share away at your will with whoever will play Operation with you, because there’s no requisite bracket of time on when to tell someone about these things. Fran Lebowitz once wrote “If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies”.


Freak Of The Week

This week’s freak is the original bitch, Queen Bitch: Kimberly Denise Jones. Of course, by the time you’re all reading this, it is exactly 1 day since her 39th birthday, so be sure to blast HARDCORE out of your car trunk, church speakers, or PANDORA station in a quiet office on a very casual Friday.


I can attribute much of what I’ve learned about love, sex, dating, money, food, fur to this woman. Who else releases albums while behind bars anymore? That’s the thing about Kim, she’s always been ahead of her time. When no one even knew what “ratchet” was, Kim was busy actually being it. Driving across states in a rented convertible Le Baron, wearing head-to-toe Fendi monogram print with a blue polyester bob wig from Party City, probably smuggling drugs in a Crown Royal bag looking like a round the way Powerpuff Girl from Bedstuy. Words alone can’t describe her beauty, so I’m leaving you with some of my favorite moving pictures of Miss Kim.


Monday 07.01.13

The risks of being monogamish

Dan Savage discusses open relationhips. He has some good points.

Friday 06.28.13

Ask A bitch #12

Dating and sex advice from a real bitch.


Q: Hello sir, I grew up in a really traditional family (we went to church on weekdays!) I’m excited about the whole end of DOMA etc, but still, even now in my late 20’s I find it hard sometimes to feel proud of being gay. It’s like I was in a cult for 18 years, and now that I’m away from that world, I’m happier, but still can’t completely shake some of the things I was taught — that I’m going to hell, that gay sex is unnatural. Any advice to get over those feelings?

A: Hey Clay Aiken, Sir? No, please, call me Bitch. You sound like a real sweetheart. Self loathing is a real bitch, huh? Like, a legitimate bitch. Not a snarky, witty bitch with funny quips here and there. Just a really lame, shitty fucking bitch. Self hatred is like the close cousin of that one completely useless emotion: worry. When have you ever used worry to command positive change to your surroundings, situation, or yourself? Yet it’s the most overused emotion. Like most other “young adults” I worry about bills, sex, my tone in text messages. In the end, I know that it’s all going to be OK because I am not a complete moron. The bills will get paid, sex might happen, and I will never really know how to use text messages for anything positive. It gets (sort of) better.


My only solution to offer you is: Going forward, do not waste any amount of time worrying yourself with others opinions, especially those who think you’re going to hell regardless. It’s fucking 2013. The Kardashians are considered American royalty. Probably all of America is going to hell just for allowing that fact to slide. Now to focus on the positive. Almost everything about the gay experience is being rewritten every day, so trying to live up to anyone else’s dated ideals will only make you more miserable than they already are. The next phase of gay history is for us to come to terms with creating a culture that is both livable and comfortable. In other words: YOU DO YOU. A wise woman once said “If you don’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?” Happy pride?



Q: Dear Bitch, I lost my car keys…up my butt! hahahah. Just kidding, but now that I got your attention, I’m wondering if I can get your opinions, you have a lot of them, just like arseholes. Anyway then, where are your views on this new craze of sleeping with a married man, there’s a show about it on TV (Mistresses) don’t you know? I am doing this with a girlfriend’s husband that I have known since college. She can act like the bitch sometimes, so I don’t feel bad, and he is as horny as a dog in the spring of puberty. And clearly he is repulsed by her body and in love with my male form. I’m I in the wrong, making love to him when she is at work? Being naughty makes the sex feel explosive hehe. Like volcanos. Help!


A: Hey Alicia Keys, I never ever thought I would say this to another human being, but you watch way too much TV. I looked up that “Mistresses” show you mentioned, and I am not a fan in the least. Mainly because it’s a scripted show about fictional situations where these women sleeping with other people’s men are the protagonists. I swear, hoes are really winning in 2013.


I much prefer the show Cheaters. The basic premise of that show is they would fill an Astrovan with a camera crew, the show’s host, and a woman who thinks her husband is cheating. Essentially, they would follow the man and mistress around for awhile and then they’d roll up on them in the parking lot of Bennigan‘s and let the woman beat the mistress and her soon to be ex’s ass on camera. My favorite TV drama.


Anyways, about your situation… I could totally see how her acting like a “bitch” would validate you sleeping with her husband (that’s a joke). Don’t call this person your girlfriend, because she’s clearly not someone you consider a friend. To be honest, the guy you’re sleeping with sounds even more confused than you are, so I do wonder what you think you’re getting out of sleeping with this man (I mean besides being a fucking volcano or whatever the fuck you’re talking about?) Do you think you two will end up together if he ever ends it with her? If you did, to which degree of pure garbage do you think that relationship would function like? A brand new gay paired with an old time man stealer that treats his ass like a clown car and his “friends” like shit. That sex would be dumb too. I swear, there is not enough money in the Scrooge McDuck vault to make me ever want to be someone’s first boyfriend again. Ever.


But sis, you sound headstrong about being on this “Mistresses” show you’re talking about, so go ahead you fucking mess. I should beat your ass just for bringing this drama to my email account, but instead I’ll just wait for your girlfriend to go on “Cheaters” and find out her husband’s giving you the D. Good luck with that.


Freak Of The Week

This week’s freak is Rachel Jeantel, Trayvon Martin‘s friend and witness #8 in the
trial of George Zimmerman.


I really knew it from the second she strutted into the courtroom looking like Precious 2.0 in a ruffled tangerine blouse and matching acrylic nails (I know because she tweeted a photo of them) that she was special. That salon up do, those blunt Chinese bangs, those orange nails, that sharp roll of her eyes with every question, the way she finishes every single sentence with a stern “SIR”.  And I know many of you are hating on her orange blossom top. I probably wouldn’t look past Strawberry’s either if I knew I was going to sit in a stuffy courtroom with a bunch of tired ass middle-aged attorneys, asking these tired questions, and making these knock knock jokes during the opening arguments of a monumental trial. Love you Rachel Jeantel.



Tuesday 06.18.13

Ask a Bitch #11

Relationship advice from a real bitch


Last week my very first piece of real hate mail, from an ex, was passed onto me. I feel so official! I’d say let’s celebrate by diving right in and seeing everything he had to say, but I’ll save you the headache of looking over crazy person chicken scratch and just show you the choice bits.


“I wanted to write to say congrats. It’s amazing to see how this whole thing has grown. I just moved back to NYC, but even while I was gone I’d still read GAYLETTER every week.

Ask a Bitch is really amusing. But I confess, I find it pretty devoid of meaning, so much so that my views tend to be the polar opposite of the columnist. He’s kind of funny, in a way. But I definitely can’t relate.

I did however relate to the ex-boyfriend he described in #8 though. The description of him reminded me of myself in my mid-twenties. I didn’t put things on my walls with thumb tacks though (I just used double-sided tape)…

One thing in the description was exactly true for me though. I did cheat on the guy I was dating during that time. It was the only time in my life I’ve ever cheated on someone, and I really regret it. Because I should’ve just left him. Instead I stayed with a guy I didn’t love out of guilt and the fear of being alone. 

But anyway, if that relationship taught me anything, it was that if I must be lonely, I think I’d rather be alone. The guy I was dating didn’t really understand me, and eventually I realized that he didn’t care to, because never listened to me. He was sort of like the boyfriend equivalent of Nickelodeon: always colorful, very bright, but ultimately devoid of substance.  

So while I can appreciate a guy who’s funny and clever, I think the most important thing that enables us to connect is depth. You want a boyfriend? Learn the rules, and play the game. You want to find love? Look for a guy who touches your soul, and mate with him. “


Hey Superfan,


First off:



Secondly, thanks for that long-winded, carefully crafted short story! I, on the other hand, will keep this short because I have to go take another nap. I want to thank you for taking the time to address that creative writing exercise on MY column. Your review helped me in so many ways, that I’m actually at a loss of words to show my true gratitude. So let me show you through pictures how many uses your letter has brought to my life:


A window cleaner!

Public bathroom toilet paper!

A dustpan!

A church fan!

A coaster!


Keep them coming. Times are tough and I’ve run out of wee wee pads for my dog, Stevie Nicks. Stevie thanks you too!


Q: Bitch, I want to ask you a personal question about yourself. Do you think you have an attractive asshole? I don’t think I do and I get embarrassed by it. I go to great lengths to make sure a guy doesn’t look at my hole before he fucks me and I’m running out of excuses. x Shyhole Jolie-Pitt


A: Hey Shyhole Lebeouf, what constitutes an ugly asshole? What does yours look like that makes you so turned off by it? I’m imagining it looks like Rodney Dangerfield, or Gollum from Lord Of The Rings for anyone to feel this strongly about it. Do you have photos? ACTUALLY DO NOT SEND ME PHOTOS. Has someone in your past expressed an utter disgust by it? If so, that’s insanely rude…was it that weirdo short story writer from above?


I’m pretty stumped by this one, because in my opinion there are no pretty or ugly assholes out there. Beauty is in the eye of… Wrong analogy. Listen, in the end, assholes are assholes, that’s why we name our exes after them!


Also, everyone that grimaces at this question can go fuck themselves, because anyone that has not seen every inch of their own body are either liars, or too poor to afford a handheld mirror or base model camera phone.

Freak of the Week



Mark Healy on Roseanne COULD’VE got it. (RIP actor Glenn Quinn). The strategically placed holes in stonewash denim and the way he just does nothing at all (I think he literally filmed from the couch for most of season 6). Fully convinced that this no job and greasy hair, chain smoking, pizza eating, flannel wearing sexy Oscar The Couch was my soulmate.